I've not met anyone who's fallen in love, with the intention of breaking-up one day. We fall in love with the hope that this person is 'the one' and with the intention of it being our 'happy-ever-after'.
If you are reading this with a hurt heart then the first step is to honour how you are currently feeling. It sucks to go through a break-up! However, this is the position you currently find yourself in - so allow me to offer some words of advice - as someone who's healed a multi-broken-heart! I hope these four insights help you to navigate your way through this change with more inner calm:
1. How You Are Feeling Is Temporary. It Will Pass, I Promise.
All emotions are temporary, even the ones you are feeling right now. One reason we suffer at times like these is because we buy into the belief that 'I will feel this way forever'. It's not true. You will feel good again. You will even feel great again! You will laugh again. You will feel love again. Perhaps far sooner than you may think possible.
It is natural to feel a range of emotions at this time. The key is to do so consciously. By this I mean, do your best to observe them instead of getting so caught up in them. Ask: What am I feeling? Where do I feel it within my body? Common answers include heart, solar plexus or stomach. Has there ever been a time in my life when I did not feel this way? The answer to this is a resounding YES! These question can help you to a) recognise your feelings are temporary, and b) by observing them in the area of your body, you can find them less upsetting. Give it a go without expecting them to disappear immediately. Instead, notice how you can calmly coexist with the feelings more.
2. Be Ruthlessly Honest With Yourself. Were They Really What You Wanted?
During one of my most significant break-ups, I was very upset, to the point I couldn't eat or sleep. I lost loads of weight and bored the ears off my friends and family talking about it. Then one day, my best friend gave me some honest feedback - 'I'm surprised you're so upset because the impression you gave me was that you didn't see yourself with them forever'. BOOM! It hit me between my eyes. I was upset because the decision to break-up had been theirs. The truth was I was considering end things one day, but it had happened before I wanted it to! This recognition stopped me playing the victim.
I invite you to be ruthlessly honest with yourself. Were they really all that you wanted? Where they loving, kind, communicative, generous, attentive etc. in ways that worked for you ? Do you want to be with someone who would act how they have or would walk away?
I once realised that I want to be with someone who wants to be with me - without me having to act a certain way or convince them that I'm loveable. Meaning, if anyone does want me to change or needs convincing then I don't actually want to be with them! How does your ex meet up to this simple requirement? If they aren't loving you - exactly as you are - then it's time to say 'next!'. Trust me, you want to be with someone who will step up and step through any 'stuff' standing in the way of a loving relationship. You want someone who will be there for you - through easy and hard times. If they haven't done so, then they are not what you want.
3. What Is It About The Break-up That's The Real Root Cause Issue?
Leading on from the previous point. Explore what about the break-up is really the problem for you? Did it not happen when you wanted it to? Was the decision taken out of your hands? Do you feel powerless or lacking control? Do you hate it when someone thinks bad of you? Are you concerned about what other people might think? They key here is clarity - by getting clear on what the burning issue around the break-up actually is for you.
Once aware of it, you can get peace with it. ASK: What is it about the break up that's a problem for me? Is it possible for me to be at peace with this at some point in my life? The answer again is a resounding 'YES, it's possible'. Then consider: What will the future me know then so that they can be at peace with it? The 'future me' knows that I am worthy of true love, will meet someone else, don't need anyone to love me to know that I am loveable, for example. Resolving the root-cause issue can speed up your 'getting over it' - massively!
4. Surround Yourself With A Supportive Community
Countless clients have been motivated to work with me because they are going through a break-up. The split has been the catalyst to step up, wake up and live the life they really wanted. I highly recommend you use this event for something positive. There is no need for you to be alone at this time. If you are, then it's your choice because, for example, the Calm Clan is full of lovely people all with the common goal of living with peace, love and happiness. Surrounding yourself with positive people can really help you move through this transition into something better much more easily.