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Sex is a hot topic in many relationships. Highlighting much conditioning that’s coming between couples and preventing them from enjoying what is a beautiful way to connect, be fully seen, vulnerable, celebrate love and have fun. For many, sex has become nothing more than a habitual physical act or a way to let off some steam. While for others it can be used to pacify a lack of inner love or a low self- esteem. Those raised with religion can be taught that sex is a sin outside of marriage or if it’s not to conceive, often causing guilt or shame.

When resolving intimacy issues, explore: Beyond the physical sensations, how does sex make me feel? You can then use the Calm Cure to heal your relationship with this sacred and sublime act so that you can enjoy a healthy and happy sex life.

Meet Sarah, who was having problems in her sex life

Sarah was having heated arguments with her partner over their sex life because they only ‘did it when he wanted to’. She would have emotional outbursts anytime she ‘made a move’ and he didn’t want to have sex. When asked how her partner sometimes not wanting sex made her feel she said: panic, powerlessness, used and tossed aside. Exploring where she’d felt that way, she recalled an ex-boyfriend who chased her for weeks and then didn’t contact her after finally ‘bedding her’. She explained that it was the first time anyone had ever left her and she felt anxious and helpless to not be the one in control.

Using Step 2 of the Calm Cure, she rated 5/10 for her willingness to be in control sometimes and not be in control sometimes. We used the Calm Past (Step 3.1) and her knowings were: ‘I actually knew he wasn’t right for me but I got together with him because I liked the attention’ and ‘other boyfriends have said I am a great lover’.

Testing the memory, she still felt there was a resistance of 3/10 towards what happened. Lastly, we used Calm Future (Step 3.2) and she said that the ‘future me’ is clear that she wants a relationship based upon love and freedom and not fear and control and that the ‘future me’ knows that she doesn’t need sex to take love because she is the love that she used to look for outside. After installing these knowings she felt at complete peace with sometimes being in control and sometimes not. After using the Calm Cure technique, Sarah reported that the emotional outburst and neediness had gone. If he didn’t feel like it sometimes then she would cuddle instead and the lack of ‘issues’ around sex had made it more fun, leading to him wanting it more often.

Connection is inevitable when you’ve calmed conditioned conflicts because you run out of reasons not to love.
— from Calm Cure book

 

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